Concerning Hobbits, radioactive goo, and TMX Elmo
by mypotato
Summary: Kim and Erica find themselves blasted into the Lord of the Rings world. Randomness ensues, much to Legolas’s expense. Can Middle Earth stand the randomness? 'Ahh...the fanfics of my youth...like the scent of fresh lemon...' *PERMANENT HIATUS*
1. Make me a Sammich!

Concerning Hobbits, Radioactive Goo, and TMX Elmo

Chapter 1: Make me a Sammich...with Toast!

Kim and Erica were hanging around the kitchen on a rainy summer's day. Their parents weren't home, so they had nobody to bother but each other. Erica was searching through the drawers trying to find some toast, but all she could find was bread.

"Where's the toast?" Erica demanded.

"In the drawer," Kim replied.

"But I've already checked there!" Erica whined.

"Check again!"

Erica set the bread down on the counter and wiggled her hand around in the drawer a little bit, but still nothing showed up. Kim sighed and turned back to her book, The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

"Help me look for it!" whined Erica.

"It's on the counter!"

Erica laughed maniacally.

"That's not toast, stupid, that's bread!"

Kim slapped her hand to her forehead. Erica was eleven, and therefore, didn't know anything.

"First, you're supposed to put the bread in the toaster, okay? Next, you pop down the white thingy on the side and wait for it to cook." said Kim.

"Well that's a bunch of B.S! I'm gonna go make some popcorn!"

Erica grabbed a bag of extra butter microwave popcorn and opened the microwave door. her eyes opened wide in surprise as she looked inside.

"Kim?" Erica asked in a freaked out voice.

"What is it Eca?"

"We've got a sitiation,"

"Situation," corrected Kim.

"Whatever!"

Kim sighed and closed her book. She stomped over to see what the problem was and as she looked inside her mouth dropped open too.

"What is it?" asked Kim.

"It looks like radioactive goo."

"It looks like your brain!"

As a matter of fact, it did look like Erica's brain. It was pink, squishy, and the size of a stunted turnip. Erica gaped at it.

"So _that's _what happened to it after the 4th of July party. That was one nasty firework…"

As Erica reached in to poke it, Kim slapped her hand away.

"OW!" Erica cried.

"Don't touch it!"

"But I want to poke it!"

"But you can't poke it!"

"Why do you care?"

Kim looked a little embarrassed for a second. Erica smiled shrewdly.

"I know why it's important to you." Erica said cleverly.

Kim looked confused. "Why?"

"It's your boyfriend!"

Kim slapped her forehead again. Erica danced around in delight at this bit of juicy gossip.

'_How did she get so stupid?' _thought Kim. The truth was that Kim didn't know what it was, she just knew that she didn't want Erica touching it.

She sighed. "Yes, Erica, it is my boyfriend. We're getting pretty serious now, which is why he doesn't want anybody but me to touch him."

Erica picked up Kim's book off of the table.

"What if the book touches him?"

"Erica, No!"

But it was too late. Erica bounded for the microwave and jammed the book into the pink lump. Kim rounded on Erica.

"Erica! What the hell is wrong with y-"

Erica gasped, "Kim! You made a swear-"

Erica was cut off by a loud bubbling noise coming from the microwave. They both turned to look at it. The lump had doubled in size and turned green, and was glowing for some reason. Erica and Kim both squinted as the lump got brighter and brighter, until it was so bright that nothing else was visible. Suddenly the light vanished; and Kim and Erica were nowhere to be found.


	2. The Council of Wha?

Chapter 2: The Council of Wha?

Kim and Erica landed with a loud thud. Kim groaned as she looked around, then she jumped up quickly in surprise. She was in the middle of a group of people, who were all sitting in a circle around a pedestal with a ring on it. There were some normal people, some people with pointy ears and long hair, and some really short bearded people (and one not bearded one.). Kim turned to the one with the silver headband and started to apologize.

"Errrr….sorry if we've interrupted anything." said Kim.

The man to her right with the long gray beard cut her off.

"What are you doing here?" He snapped.

"Well…ummmm…."

"I'll tell you what happened!" said Erica. Kim groaned as Erica got up and made her way towards Gandalf. "Okay, so I'm just trying to find something to eat, right? Well, I open up the microwave and what do I find but a weird pink glob! It's actually Kim's boyfriend, but anyway, I wanted to poke it, but Kim got all defensive and everything and slapped me. Even though that hurt-thanks a lot, Kim, by the way-I still wanted to poke it so I grabbed Kim's book and poked it and boom! Lots of freaky bright lights and next thing I know I've been thrown into the middle of some cult ritual! Weird day, huh?"

Everyone in the circle muttered confusedly. Elrond and Gandalf just stared at Erica like she was crazy. Kim looked around in amazement.

"I know this place."

Erica whipped around to look at Kim.

"What? We've never been here before!"

"No, seriously, I know this place! This is just like the chapter The Council of Elrond-"

"The council of wha?" Erica blurted.

Kim continued, "in my book! This is the spot where I left off! Look,"

She pointed at Gandalf, who looked alarmed.

"That's Gandalf, that's Frodo, that's Boromir, that's Aragorn, that's Legolas, that's Gimli, that's…well I'm not so sure who you are but I've probably read you're name somewhere! Don't you see Erica! When you shoved my book into the microwave goo, it blasted us to the place where I left off!"

Gandalf, if anything, looked even more confused.

"So you mean that we are characters in a book?" Gandalf asked.

"Yes! Well…no not exactly. Not anymore at least. Dang it, I'm way confused!"

"That makes two of us," Frodo muttered.

"And what made you come here, interrupting our highly important council?" asked Elrond.

"It was an accident! I don't know how we got here, but the point is, that I already know what's going on! You're going to try and take the ring, which is Sauron's one ring with lots of magical powers, to mount doom and try to destroy it!"

As Kim finished saying that, the whole crowd stood up angrily. Gimli drew out his axe and pressed it up against Kim's neck and Aragorn's sword poked Erica in the gut a little bit.

"Tee hee! That tickles!" giggled Erica.

"They know too much!" cried Legolas.

"Tell me Gandalf, should we question her a bit or should I just kill her now?" Gimli threatened.

As his blade pressed against her neck a little more, she whipped some nunchaku out of her pocket and sent Gimli's axe flying with a flick of the wrist. Then she spun around and thwacked him on the head. In the distraction, Erica jumped away from Aragorn's sword, ducked down, and attempted to trip him, but Aragorn was too awesome to fall for that. He had the sword on her again in a second and all Erica managed to do was kick him in the kneecap. As everyone else closed on her and she swung her nunchaku at them, Gandalf decided to step in.

"STOP!"

"But Gandalf," Aragorn complained. "They know about the ring, we don't know where they came from, they know our intentions, and they know us!"

"I'm scared of stalkers." said Legolas, and a few of the other hot elf guys nodded in agreement.

Gandalf silenced them again, then turned to Kim. "You're pretty talented with that…."

"Two sticks connected by a chain?" Frodo offered.

"Nunchaku." corrected Kim. "I'm a black belt in tae kwon do."

"Tell me, is this book of yours a completed book?" Gandalf inquired.

"Yes. Actually, it's three books that tell the same story. I'm partway through the first one, and in this part you were all having a meeting to discuss what you're going to do with the ring."

"Then you know what happened preceding the meeting?"

"Yes. Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, who are all hobbits from the Shire, made their way to Rivendell from Hobbiton, and on the way met Aragorn and some black riders. Frodo got stabbed on Weathertop by one of them, and then you tried to rush to Rivendell even faster. Frodo barely survived and met with his Uncle Bilbo again. You had all just decided who would be in the fellowship. That's just in short, but really I'm about 245 pages in."

"So," continued Gandalf, "If this is a completed series, how does it all end? Does Sauron triumph?"

"I don't know. Like I said, I've only made it this far."

Gimli picked up his axe again and started to approach, more slowly this time. Kim prepared for attack.

"She's lying." Gimli said. "She must have been sent by Sauron! How else could she just fall out of the sky?"

"Let's kill the stalkers!" cried Legolas.

There were murmurs of agreement between the council members, but Gandalf silenced them.

"Did it never occur to you that if Sauron wanted to send spies, they wouldn't have dropped out of the sky right in front of us? Wouldn't he want to keep them unnoticeable?"

The council silenced a bit at Gandalf's reasoning.

"Besides, didn't they look as surprised as we did when they just dropped out of the sky? If they meant to come here, they wouldn't be too surprised, would they? For whatever reason they're here, it's not their fault. And pull your sword away a bit Aragorn." he snapped.

"But still," said Elrond. "They know too much."

"Not me! I haven't read the books!" exclaimed Erica.

Elrond continued, "We can't just let them go their own way with this much information."

"Let us be finished with them then," Gimli growled.

"No." said Gandalf. "I've got a better idea."

"I do not like the sound of this." said Kim.

"They know how to fight, especially the short one with the…nunchaku…"

"Hey!" Kim glared.

"I want to talk with them a bit, keep my eye on them, but I also want to use them. They should come with us on the journey."

There was muttering about the council again. Elrond looked shocked.

"But Gandalf, are you sure that's a good idea? We have better fighters than them, and we don't even know who they are. We don't even know _what_ they are. How can we trust them not to ruin our mission?"

"We need them," Gandalf replied, "Because they might know things that we don't, and they use unique weapons. We can trust them because if they betray us, they will be killed."

Kim laughed. "You won't have to worry about me betraying everybody. As I was reading, I was cheering for you guys! I want Sauron to lose as much as you do!"

Gandalf eyed her doubtfully. "Well, almost." she corrected herself.

Elrond sighed. "It's settled then. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!"

"Yay!" yelled Erica. "Now, where's my sammich?"

Aragorn and Legolas stepped away from her cautiously. This was going to be an interesting trip.


	3. I'm NOT a friggin' hobbit!

Chapter 3: I'm not a Friggin' Hobbit!

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Lord of the Rings or anything in it, and I'm still under five foot two. Yes, my eleven year old sister (Erica) is taller than me. So what? The hobbits are the coolest people in the story, and they're under four foot.**

**ETONKS – What the heck! Elves are way cooler! Hobbits are gay!**

**MYPOTATO – There is nothing wrong with being a homosexual. **

**ETONKS – That's not what I meant!**

**Okay, onto the story now…**

**On another note, just so you know, mypotato is not gay either. She just doesn't have a problem with gays.**

Kim was silently fuming three days later. They forced her to share a room with her little sister because they were short on space. At first, Kim put up with it thinking that the room that she could have to herself was occupied by another person. Needless to say, she was not pleased when she found out that that room was occupied by something else…

"RUM!!!" screamed Kim. The hot elf she was yelling at looked rather frightened. "I have to share a room with the sammich queen-"

At that moment, Erica walks by eating a sandwich and singing 'peanut butter jelly time'. Kim and the hot elf stare at her for a moment before Kim continues her rant.

"I need to share a room with the sammich queen because you need a place to store the rum!!! I mean seriously, what's more important, giving five bottles of rum their own separate room, or treating your guests with hospitality!?!"

The elf looked around nervously before responding. "Actually, there are six bottles of rum, and rum is very important!"

"More important than me?" She glared at him, as though daring him to say yes. The Elf dude rolled his eyes at the ceiling.

"Well…"

"WHAT IS THIS, FRIGGIN' PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN!?!?!?"

There was a knock on the door. "Come in!" Kim grumbled.

Before Kim even spoke, Gandalf sauntered in, bringing in his arms two bulging bags. Gandalf smiled at Kim amusedly.

"I couldn't help but hear your conversation. On the contrary to what you said, Kim, I'd say we are being very hospitable."

Kim glared at Gandalf now, leaving the hot elf to sneak out of the room with his life. "What makes you think that you've been hospitable? I'm sharing a room with Erica!"

"We haven't killed you." Gandalf responded. Kim considered this.

"Good point."

"Now," continued Gandalf. "Speaking of you're sister, where is she?" Erica's head poked into the room.

"Here!" As she walked in, she stared at Gandalf and his big bags.

"Hi, Santa! You've got some 'splanin' to do. Did I get dragon for Christmas like I asked? NO! All I got was a stupid lump of coal. Not that that was all bad since I threw it at a bunch of baboons at the zoo, but it kind of sucked when they threw poop back at me, as if what I did was offensive-"

"Come in here! I have something to give both of you." said Gandalf.

"OOOOOHHHH! PRESENTS!" Erica screamed. She then began jumping up while clapping her hands enthusiastically.

"Yes," said Gandalf amusedly. "Now let's see, who wants their equipment first?"

Erica raised her hand so fast that it should have yanked her arm out of her socket.

"Alright," said Gandalf. He opened up one of the bags and pulled out a lord-of-the-rings style traveling outfit, some light armor, a cape and a plain looking sword. Erica looked disappointed.

"That's it! I thought that you had a spinny top with Mickey Mouse on it that you get from sending in the proofs of five specially marked boxes of Kellogg's cereal! That's a rip off. I would of gotten Cocoa puffs! They rock!"

Gandalf looked at her strangely. Then he just shook his head silently then turned to Kim.

"I've seen you practicing at the archery range, and you're not too shabby. I thought that even though you already have a weapon, you wouldn't mind another."

He let her open her own bag as she pulled out an outfit that looked just like Erica's, leather armor, a bow that was shorter than Legolas's, a quiver, and a cape. Kim groaned.

"I like and all, but why does my outfit have to match Erica's?"

"I'm sorry about that," he replied. "but that's all we had left in your sizes. You two are about the same height."

"Yes we are," replied Kim. "Which is totally messed up since I am THREE years older! And yet I am shorter."

"Hey look!" Erica butted in. "I gots a cape!" She spun around and let the cape billow out behind her, and continued to do that for about five minutes until the cape caught under her feet and she tripped and fell out the window, which just happened to be situated on a cliff, and then died as she fell on top of an innocent squirrel who just happened to be scampering by.

Just kidding!

She did trip though. She just got a bump on the head instead.

Kim sighed. "Why couldn't she have fallen out the window, which just happened to be situated on a cliff, and then fallen to her death on top of an innocent squirrel who just happened to be scampering by?"

Gandalf stared at Kim and blinked. "You have very random thoughts."

"Yep. Thanks for the traveling stuff anyway!"

"You're welcome." Gandalf said then he hurried out of the room as Erica began to have another spinny fit. Just a few moments later, Merry and Pippin entered the room. Neither of them seemed to notice Erica, who had already fallen down for a second time and had started spinning again, this time with the sword in her hand.

Merry smiled at Kim. "Hello, fellow hobbit."

Kim's face turned red and she looked like she was going to blow up. Merry cowered behind Pippin, who had finally noticed Erica and was watching her curiously. Kim clenched her fists.

"What did you say to me?"

Merry gulped, then gave a nervous laugh. "Oh, you know, I just stopped by to say 'hello' to a fellow hobbit, you know. Just trying to be polite-"

"I'M NOT A FRIGGIN' HOBBIT!" Kim screamed in his face as he curled up into a little ball and started whimpering. Okay, so he wasn't whimpering. Kim did scare the crap out of him though.

"Oh. I see," Merry said nervously. "You know I just thought that, you know, because of your height-"

"More like lack of height!" Pippin chimed in.

"Yes," Merry cut Pippin off, staring fearfully at Kim's face, which was growing considerable more murderous by the minute. "What I mean to say is that you're not the…most blessed human I've ever seen in terms of height."

"What are you talking about?" ranted Kim. "I may not be tall, but I'm way taller than a hobbit! Hobbits barely ever reach three and a half feet! I am 5" 1 ½" thank you very much. That's average height!"

Erica fell on her butt yet again and laughed. The draperies were all sliced up like a Christmas ham and there were numerous notches in the wall next to her.

"Yeah!" said Erica. "The average height of a dwarf!"

Erica continued to laugh tremendously as Kim glared at Erica more murderously than she had glared at anyone else today, which is saying something seeing as that face had been getting a lot of practice today. Merry dragged Pippin out of the room as quickly and as quietly as he could. He didn't want to disturb Kim right now. As he and Pippin ran down the hallway away from the sisters' bedroom he could hear bloodcurdling screams coming from her bedroom door.

**Well that was a gruesome ending, wasn't it. Please R&R! This story will go on through the third LOTR book and I'm not even close to finishing, so you can expect a LOT of chapters in this story. Sorry for the long wait on the next chapter, to my 52 readers so far. Not that you really care, since none of you reviewed. This author career is making a fantastic start. 52 reads and 0 fans w00t!!**


	4. In which Kim makes another swear

**Hey! Sorry about the lack of update due to the author's immense laziness. I guess I sort of have an excuse now because I've got a job now. Yay! I bag people's groceries at Hy-Vee for minimum wage!!! Yes!**

**Disclaimer: Seriously, if I owned anything, would I be writing fanfics or writing actual stories and getting paid for it?**

Chapter 4: In which Kim makes another swear, and Erica writes it down on her 'Things to tell mom about' list

So, a few days later, the fellowship started on their journey to Mordor. Seeing as there are about 120 miles of plains between Rivendell and Caradhras (A mountain), it was a very long trip in which very little happened. For fun, they walked in slow motion to dramatic music (Kim liked this part.) After doing this for a few weeks they got to…another campsite!

Merry, Pippin, Boromir, and Erica were practicing swordplay at the campsite. Aragorn was watching them while smoking his pipe. (Announcement for the Kiddies: If you smoke, you will die. DON'T DO IT!!!) Gandalf and Gimli were discussing how to get past the mountains, and Kim was trying to take a nap, because she was a teenage girl after all, and they need 16 hours of sleep a day.

"By tomorrow, we should be halfway up the mountain, and by the next day we should be over." said Gandalf.

"What's the point of climbing all the way up that mountain when we can just go under? We should go through the Mines of Moria." argued Gimli.

"No," said Gandalf, "I would not take the road to Moria unless I had no other choice. A great evil resides in those mountains, one that could overpower any of us easily."

Gimli pouted, "This sucks! Nobody ever listens to my suggestions! I bet it's because I'm short!"

"Come on, Gimli,"

"It's true, Gandalf! You are discriminating me because of my height!"

"That's not true!" Gandalf argued.

"Height discriminator!" Gimli said. This made Gandalf furious, for some unexplained reason.

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

And so it continued for the next ten minutes. Kim stirred from her nap.

"Hey Erica!" Kim called. Erica left the fight and rushed over to Kim.

"What's up?"

"I'm a little worried." said Kim.

"About what?"

"That our being here has changed the book somehow."

"What gives you that idea?"

Erica finally noticed the sound of Gandalf's and Gimli's argument. She still didn't get it.

"So?" she said.

"Don't you notice! In the books, Gandalf was a wise, serious old wizard and now he's acting like a stupid 12-year-old! Gimli is getting sensitive, Aragorn is getting cranky-"

"Wasn't he always cranky?" Erica asked.

"Yes, but that's not the point! The point is, the characters have changed since we've come here. It's not good! When we get back, we'll have to worry about millions of angry fans wondering why two freaks named Kim and Erica had to come and ruin the book!" Kim was kind of spazzing out. Erica patted her shoulder.

"It's okay! I'm sure that the Lord of the Rings fans aren't _that_ obsessive!"

Meanwhile….

**Random LotR fan 1:** OMG who are these people!

**Random LotR fan 2:** I don't know! What have they done with this book?

**Random LotR fan 1:**They've defiled the works of Tolkien! They can't do that, his works are practically the friggin' Bible!

**Random LotR fan 3:** melts into a weepy pile of goo

Okay…back to the story!

Kim stared at Erica. "You have absolutely no idea how dedicated his fans are, do you?"

Erica shook her head. "Not a clue."

"That's probably good news."

Erica shook her head and began to walk away. "Kim, Kim, Kim, you worry too much!" She turned around to face Kim. "Just relax! Any person who is reading the book is too nerdy, and too wimpy, to be much of a threat anyway."

As Kim was about to retaliate that _she_ read the books, she noticed something behind Erica. It looked like a black cloud.

"What's that?" said Kim as she pointed it out.

Gimli scoffed. "Don't worry, it's just a cloud!"

"It's moving fast," Boromir realized. "and against the wind."

Legolas stood on top of a rock and used his super elf vision powers to see what it was.

"Crebain from Dunland!" cried Legolas.

"HIDE!" yelled Aragorn, and everyone attempted to hide themselves quickly. Everyone, that is, except Erica.

"What the heck is a crebain?" asked Erica.

"Don't ask! Just hide!" yelled Kim.

"I want to know!"

"They're birds! Now will you hide!" said Boromir angrily. Erica laughed.

"Birds!" she said. "Come on, birds are nothing to be afraid of! I had a pet bird once-"

"WILL YOU JUST HIDE DAMN IT!" screamed Kim.

Erica gasped. "You made another swear!"

This is when Aragorn finally got sick of this discussion and yanked Erica under a bush. Sadly, he decided to do this too late. The birds had seen them, and they circled around the hill a bit, then returned to their master.

Erica shoved Aragorn's hand off of her mouth. "You got that worked up over a bunch of crows?!?!?"

"Not crows," said Gandalf. "Crebain. Spies of Saruman. Thanks to you, Saruman knows we're here!"

Erica gasped. "Oh I see! You weren't scared of the birds, you were scared of being found out by the weird wizard dude that is better than Gandalf!"

Gandalf glared at her, and Kim slapped her forehead again. Then she immediately regretted it because she already had a goosebump there from doing that too many times.

"Well," said Gandalf. "We had best get over the mountain while we can, and with a bit of luck we'll be over before Saruman's birds can report back to him."

"Fat chance." said Kim. But at Gandalf's command, the party began to pack up their things.

**Yay! I think I spelled 'crebain' wrong! I don't really know, since I was too lazy to go look it up. Please R&R! **


	5. Yay! It's snowing!

Chapter 5: Yay! It's snowing!

**I updated two chapters at once. Ha!**

**I don't own anything.**

So they began to climb Caradhras. At first everything was good. There was some snow on the ground as they got higher up and it got a little chilly, but other than that it was no big deal. Nobody noticed the storm cloud that was approaching because Merry and Pippin were having a rather loud fight.

"I can't believe you would abandon me like this!" yelled Merry in anguish.

"What did I do?" asked Pippin.

"Don't you already know?!?" Pippin shook his head. "You've been ignoring me more and more and you've been spending too much time with Erica!" Merry said.

"But she's my friend!" said Pippin defensively.

"Aren't I your friend too?" Merry asked.

"Well, you are, but I find that I can relate to Erica more than you." said Pippin.

"Ewww!" said Erica.

"As a friend, of course. You're waaaaaaaaaaaaay too tall for me!" said Pippin quickly.

"Good," said Erica. "I love being tall!"

Merry looked appalled. "What has she got that I haven't got? You can't relate to her; not only is she human, but she's a girl! What could you two possibly have in common?"

"They're both really stupid." said Kim. "I'm sorry, Merry, but it looks like you're intelligence is too much for Pippin to handle. Don't get too excited though, since that's not too hard."

"She's right," said Pippin. "I like to talk with people that I can understand more. People who don't use big words."

"OH MY GOSH!!!" Erica yelled out of nowhere.

"What is it?" Pippin yelled back.

"I found a rock! And it's shiny!" Erica said excitedly as she held up a shiny rock that was slightly larger than a marble. Pippin looked back at Merry.

"See you!" he said, and off he went to join Erica in marveling at the rock's shinyness. Merry burst into tears and ran off ahead of the party. The party, besides Erica and Pippin who were still occupied by the rock, stared at his retreating back. Kim turned to Gandalf.

"Isn't one of us going to go after him, you know, him being defenseless and all." she said.

"He's not defenseless," said Gimli. "He has his dagger!"

"Actually he left it behind when he ran off bawling." said Frodo.

"Oh." said Gimli.

"Anyway," Kim continued. "Is one of us going to go get him."

Nobody offered, and since they were too lazy at that point they just waited for him to come back. He came back around midnight with icicles stuck to him and a toe that was stubbed really bad. Unfortunately, the party was too happy and drunk at that time that they forgot about Merry and left him to try and set up his own tent with fingers that were frozen together.

Poor Merry.

The next day, they trudged through the even higher snow and their hangovers to try and get to the top of the mountain. That's when a really harsh blizzard hit. The snow was everywhere, in their face, in their hair, and in pretty much anywhere else you can think of. Eventually, the big people had to go in the front to make a tunnel through the snow for the hobbits to walk through since otherwise it would have been over their heads. Legolas just walked on top of the snow, earning Kim's hatred. About two hours into the storm, Erica has a stunning revolution.

"It's snowing!" said Erica amazedly. The whole party turned and looked at her with incredulous expressions. Most of them were amazed at her stupidity, but Pippin was amazed for another reason.

"You know, I just noticed that too!" said Pippin. There was a moments silence, then they both cried out.

"YAY!!!!"

Unfortunately, that cry was loud enough to set off an avalanche on the cliff that the party was under. They slammed against the wall as snow buried them. The avalanche stopped, but still, no one stirred. For a few moments anyway. The heads of the fellowship began to pop up out of the snow.

"Those two nearly brought down the mountain on us!" cried Boromir.

"Where are they?" yelled Gimli. "I'll kill 'em!" Kim turned to look at Gimli.

"Violence is not always the answer." said Kim. Gimli looked startled to hear Kim saying this, then she continued. "but it is this time! Where are you, you little twerp!?!"

Suddenly they notice yelling from the edge of their cliff. They looked down to see Erica falling into the abyss.

"I hope they have those corn chips in heaven!" she yelled, her voice fading the whole way down.

(Note from the author: Yes, that was a reference to Teen Girl Squad.)

The party was silent for a while. It was Pippin who finally spoke.

"Oh well." he said. Then he turned to Kim. "I'm sorry about your sister."

Kim shrugged. "It's okay. I don't really care."

Gandalf seemed surprised. "You seem to be taking this remarkably well."

"You're putting up a good act!" said Boromir. "But nobody could really not care about their siblings!"

"No," said Kim. "I mean I really don't care. In fact, I'm happy! It's one less thing for me to worry about now." As the rest of the party seemed appalled that Kim did not care that her sister just died, she said, "Well, what do we do now?"

"We cannot pass over the mountain, so let us go under it!" said Gimli. "Let us go through the mines of Moria."

"No!" said Gandalf.

"A few more hours and we'll freeze to death!" said Boromir.

"We cannot stay here!" argued Legolas.

Gandalf pondered this for a moment. "Let the ringbearer decide." he said finally.

"We will go through the mines." said Frodo.

"So be it." said Gandalf.

**Cue dramatic Music DUM DUM DUM**

**Here ends the great chapter five! So, who likes it? Come on, it's not that hard to send me a review! I only have one really good Moria idea! On second thought, I have two. Yay!**


	6. What is Watching in the Water?

Chapter 6: There is a Watcher in the Water….OH NO!

**Prologue**

_Princess Leia, disguised as an alien bounty hunter, made her way through the halls of Jabba's palace. As she approached the end of the hallway, she saw what she was looking for: Han Solo, frozen in carbonite. _

_A few moments later, Leia halted in shock. Han was not the only person frozen in carbonite. There was also a girl, about 12 years old, who was carrying a sword and wearing armor._

"_That's odd," thought Leia. "We stopped using weapons like that before spaceships were even invented, let alone carbonite freezers." _(A/N: Is that what they called them?)

_Even though Leia was a bit alarmed, she was not one to leave anyone trapped while she could help them, so she not only freed Han, but she freed the mysterious girl. Han got done thawing first, and he hit the floor._

"_Where am I?"_

"_Just relax." said Leia in her disguised voice._

"_I can't see." said Han bewilderedly._

"_It's just a side effect of the carbonite. You have to wait for you're eyes to adjust."_

_By this time, the girl had unfrozen too. But she did not appear to be blind or clutzy like Han was. She looked around curiously at the futuristic electronics._

"_Whoa. I'm in the future. WHOO HOO!!!"_

_Han and Leia did not seem to notice Erica, but she noticed them._

"_Who are you?"asked Han._

_Leia took off her helmet. _

"_Someone who loves you." she said._

"_Leia!" _

_And then they started kissing (or, for you British people, snogging!)._

"_Eeeeeeewwwwwwww!!!!!" cried Erica. "Get a room!"_

_Han and Leia stopped kissing and looked at Erica for a moment, but before either of them could say anything, they heard a malicious laugh._

"_I know that laugh." said Han._

_And behind them a garage door-like thing opened up to reveal Jabba the Hutt and his cronies. Erica finally realized where she was._

"_Oops! Wrong story."_

_And with that, due to a very lazy author, a glowing green porthole showed up out of nowhere, and as she stepped into it she was taken back to Middle Earth._

**And now, we join our heroic Fellowship once again for more questing.**

Gandalf stared at the big wall of stone in front of them.

"Behold," he said. "The gates of Moria."

Pippin looked around. "Where are they?"

Gandalf turned to glare at Pippin. "They are hidden, you moron!" He turned back to his wall. "The Dwarves didn't just want anyone walking in! The door is marked with _ithilin_ (sp?), which is only reflected by starlight and moonlight."

As he said this, he wiped some dust off the doors, and a beautiful pattern began to glow from within the stone. There was writing in a different language on the top.

"It's elvish!" said Frodo.

"It reads, 'The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter.'"

"What do you suppose that means?" asked Merry.

"It's quite simple," Gandalf explained. "All you have to do is speak the password and the doors will open." With that, he pointed his staff at the door and began to say some funny words which the author will not attempt to spell or look up. No matter how many funny words Gandalf said, nothing happened.

"Nothing's happening." stated Kim, who smirked because she knew that she was being a smartass. Gandalf glared at her and began to push on the door, as if an old man can seriously break a rock.

"I once knew every spell in all the tongues of Elves, Men, and Orc."

"What are we going to do then?" asked Pippin innocently. But Gandalf was kind of cranky right now seeing as his ego was rapidly deflating.

"Knock you're head against these doors, Peregrin Took! And if that does not shatter them, and I am allowed a little peace from foolish questions, I shall try to find the opening words."

Four hours later…

Gandalf was sitting on a rock, still muttering things that Kim was not entirely sure were spells. (cover your ears, little kiddies) Aragorn made Sam let the horse go, much to Sam's sadness, and Pippin and Merry were throwing rocks into the innocent looking lake, which looked as if nothing bad could be living down there. (Right…)Aragorn stopped them.

"Do not disturb the water." he said cautiously.

"Oh, this is useless!" said Gandalf as he threw his staff on the ground.

"Throwing a hissy fit won't help us." said Kim, earning a glare from Gandalf.

Suddenly, a light went on in Frodo's head. "It's a riddle!"

"What?"

"Speak friend and enter. What's the elvish word for friend?" he asked.

"_Mellon_." said Gandalf, and sure enough the doors opened to reveal….dead midgets!

"This is no mine, it is a tomb." said Boromir.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Gimli.

Legolas pulled an arrow out of one of the corpses and examined it, which is the first thing anyone would think of doing when they entered a cave full of dead bodies. "Orcs!" he said as he dropped the orc arrow and pulled out his bow. Kim copied Legolas and aimed it down the hallway as Aragorn and Boromir drew their swords.

"We should have made for the Gap of Rohan. We've got to get out!"

As he finished saying that, a giant tentacle grabbed Frodo's foot and started dragging him into the water.

"Frodo!" cried Sam who, always ready to help his 'friend' (Come on, we all know what he _really _thinks of Frodo), pulled out his sword and hacked one of the tentacles in two. The tentacles retreated, but not for long. Soon, even bigger ones shot out of the not-so-innocent lake, knocked the other hobbits aside, and lifted Frodo into the air by his leg. Kim shot an arrow at the tentacle that was holding Frodo and narrowly missed hitting Frodo himself.

"Strider!" Frodo screamed, but Aragorn could do nothing from where he was, so he and Boromir chopped random tentacles in half. As the creature moved Frodo higher up, a head popped out of the water and barred it's many teeth. Frodo screamed like a little girl.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

Suddenly, the creature burped, and Erica came flying out of it's mouth straight up in the air, and as she began to fall again she grabbed onto the nearest thing, which happened to be Frodo's other leg. This caused him to go in a very uncomfortable split position and it made him squeak. Erica failed to notice this however.

"Hi, Fobo!"

As she said this, Boromir chopped the leg that was holding Frodo and Erica in half and the monster let out a groan as Frodo and Erica dropped out of the sky. Boromir caught the hobbit, but Erica he just kind of let plop into the water.

"Into the mines!" he cried and they ran into the mines closely followed by the Watcher. Legolas shot an arrow into its eye and delayed it for the few more seconds it took to get into the mines. The Watcher tried to stick it's tentacles into the mine, but it couldn't fit them all in. As it decided to collapse the entrance instead, and everything went black. There was silence.

"We have but one choice." said Gandalf glumly, lighting up his staff. "We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard! There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world."

At their camp later that night after a few uneventful hours of travel, Sam approached Erica, who was busy trying to get a disgruntled Kim's attention. (Her sister came back, of course she was a little mad!)

"Hey Erica," he said.

"Yeah?"

"When the Watcher burped you up and you started to fall again, you grabbed onto Frodo's leg, didn't you?"

"Yep, it was the only thing there to grab. What's you're point."

He shook his head. "You are sooooo lucky!"

Erica, at this point, got a little scared and scooted closer to Kim, who had just started choking on her food.

**To all you Sam-lovers…sorry. I had to do it! It just seems that way in the books and movies even though it's not true. I guess he's an Effeminate Heterosexual. (Remember that off Saturday night live? What happened to him anyway?) Anyway, please R&R which does not mean Read and Run! Read and REVIEW! It only takes like two seconds, and it makes me feel good. Please do it, for me?**

**I just read chapter 1 again. lol! I was a pretty bad writer... I still am, but not quite as bad. I think.**


	7. Author's Note

Sorry about the long wait guys

Sorry about the long wait guys! I got writer's block and I hated the way I wrote most of my chapters, so I haven't updated in months. When I wrote most of this, I didn't check it or think about it seriously or anything, so I haven't been able to tolerate my own writing, and I haven't felt like touching this story.

In a week, I'll be deleting this story from my account and reposting all the existing chapters (and hopefully a new one) so that they will be well written and I can start with a clean slate. I won't take any of the randomness out, I just want to improve my grammar and word choices.

Just thought I'd warn you!

-mypotato


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